I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
