just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
