So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
