I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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