I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
