Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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