Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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