a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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