You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
