I wish I could teleport
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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