Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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