so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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