His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
