This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
