thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
