Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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