Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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