so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
