I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
