I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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