Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
