Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
