i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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