Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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