Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
