Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
