nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
