Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Boobs speak an international language.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
