he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize