How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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