the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
