Who did Billy Mays play for?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Randomize
