These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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