its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
