everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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