we're chasing vodka with high fives
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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