She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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