Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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