This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Randomize
