Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
