I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
