I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
