I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
