Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Randomize
