This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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