The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
