if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
