Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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