I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
