just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
