Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
