my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
