She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize