you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
