Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
