Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
