you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
